Attempt No.4

Four Attempts, One Dream: Waiting Between Panic and Hope

I am Sugyan Nanda, a Political Science student from Balangir, Odisha — carrying middle-class dreams, family expectations, silent battles, and a hope that has survived every near miss.

Appearing for UGC NET is not just an exam for me anymore. It has become a journey of patience, resilience, and emotional endurance.

My first attempt gave me 210 marks. The JRF cutoff was 224. I cleared NET but missed JRF by about seven questions.

In my second attempt, distractions took over — mental pressure, uncertainty, life. My score dropped to 198. Again, only NET. JRF slipped away.

By the third attempt, after completing my postgraduation, I was more focused. I scored 234. The JRF cutoff was 238. This time, I missed JRF by just two questions. That one hurt the most. Being that close makes you feel both proud and broken.

Now comes the fourth attempt.

This time I scored 214 according to the answer key. A few questions are under challenge for grace marks. Many questions felt out of syllabus, overly factual, and unexpected. Because of this, there is hope that cutoffs may fall. But right now, only the answer key is out. 

The result will come in four days.

And these four days feel heavier than all the months of preparation.

At this moment, everything is happening together — expectations, panic, excitement, attachment to results, attachment to family dreams, attachment to her, and memories of past near-misses. My parents have been waiting for a reason to celebrate. Our conditions are not easy. Like many middle-class families, we carry silent struggles, financial pressure, and emotional battles with relatives and society. And alongside this, there is someone who has seen my lows, my overthinking, my hope — silently standing with me through it all.

There is also another strange feeling during this waiting period.

Whenever I try to relax, enjoy something small, or distract myself, a fear creeps in — as if doing anything “normal” might somehow affect the result. Even harmless activities start feeling guilty. The mind begins to believe that happiness or rest could invite bad news. This is what uncertainty does: it makes us feel responsible for things already beyond our control.

It is exhausting to live like this — constantly alert, constantly overthinking.

For me, JRF is not just a qualification. It is dignity. It is stability. It is a chance to move forward academically. It is relief for my family. It is reassurance for the person who believes in me. It is proof that persistence matters.

But this journey has taught me something important.

Competitive exams don’t just test knowledge — they test mental strength. They teach humility when you fall short. They teach patience when results are delayed. They teach resilience when success comes close but not close enough.

Four attempts have shaped me.

They have taught me discipline.

They have taught me how fragile motivation can be.

They have taught me that progress is not always linear.

And most importantly, they have taught me to keep standing even when hope feels tired.

Right now, I am standing between fear and faith.

Fear — because I have been close before.

Faith — because this time feels different.

Whatever the result, this journey already carries meaning. But like every aspirant, I am praying that this time, the story changes — not just for me, but for my parents who have waited silently, and for the one who has walked beside me in this uncertain phase.

Sometimes success comes not when we stop feeling anxious, but when we move forward despite it.

These four days are not just about results.

They are about belief.

And I choose to believe.

(Modified on February 5// 12:34 AM - JRF qualified finally)

Vulnerably Expressed by : Sugyan Nanda